Away
by Artemisdesari
Summary: Songfic: Away - Breaking Benjamin. 5.18 spoilers. Dean's thoughts during the episode dwelling on a certian angel. Dean/Cas


_This is for **DeanWinchesterPresents**, not entirely certain this is what you wanted of it, but the song was an amazing prompt and I did what I could with it for you. On the flip side, it inspired smut too which will be up in a few days._

_**Prompt:** Song fic to Away - Breaking Benjamin, either based around 5.16 or 5.18 and of the Dean/Castiel variety._

_**Disclaimer:** _So_ not mine. Seriously, because if it was 5.19 would have been lacking in a certian scene that has left me unable to write Gabriel without _bawling_! The song doesn't belong to me either even though it is amazing.  
_

Away.

_Cold am I_

_I'm beside myself_

_Because there's no one else_

He has been this way since not long after Ellen and Jo were taken from him, burying all thought and all emotion behind a facade of life, an illusion of living and he hopes that no one else has noticed, he prays that no one else has noticed, because he is too broken and too afraid and far too alone to make it through otherwise. He has nothing and he has no one to rely on. His brother is a junky, his angel is falling slowly and inexorably towards humanity and there is nothing that Dean can do about it, nothing that can make a difference at all and he hates that he has become this person, this cold and dead shell that can only simulate life and simulate emotion for the comfort of others around him.

_Have I grown_

_So blind_

_Only god could save you_

_If you knew your way to the light_

He has been so absorbed in his own self loathing, his own guilt and empty destruction that he has lost sight of all the reasons that he has been saying 'no', he has lost sight of the world and the people in it. He has lost sight of the bigger picture in all of this but most of all he has lost sight of the people who actually give a damn about him in everything that he does and everything that he is. He has lost Bobby, lost Sam but most importantly he has lost _Castiel_.

The angel left Heaven for him, turned his back on his family and _died_ for Dean. Castiel has given everything and in return Dean decided to agree to be worn by Michael. _God_ brought Castiel back and Dean has turned his back on the friend who is the only one that was ever truly his, the only friend he has ever had outside of his family.

_So fly away_

_And leave it behind_

_Just stay awake_

_There's nowhere to hide_

It surprises him that Castiel has put up with him for as long as he has, that the angel did not simply abandon them the instant that he realised that his Father had turned his back and Dean had lost any faith that he had that they could win this. There is nothing more to be done and no other places to hide. If they die they end up in Heaven, and that did not exactly end well the last time so it would not end any better in the future. Dean cannot bring himself to understand why Castiel has stuck by him, only that the angel is still so loyal to him that he has not yet totally abandoned them. He thinks that perhaps as soon as this is all over Castiel actually might.

_I see you_

_Cause you won't get out of my way_

_I hear you_

_Cause you won't quit screaming my name_

That Cas would come after him during his first attempt to summon Michael, or Zachariah or whoever, is no great surprise really. The angel is a force of fists and voice, of harsh emotion and bitter disappointment. Perversely Dean has never wanted the powerful being more in his life and he knows that his very actions this day have practically turned that into the chance that Castiel will never forgive him let alone look at him in a way that could be anything more than utterly inappropriate and completely uncomfortable for all in the near vicinity.

_I feel you_

_Cause you won't stop touching my skin_

_I need you_

_They're coming to take you away_

It has not always been this way, this deep ache in the pit of his stomach every time that Castiel glances at him in just the right way, all holier-than-thou and ready to smite in a moment even though he does not have the mojo to do that anymore. The feel of Castiel pressed against him is heady, vicious and violent and were he not bruised and battered and bleeding by the same fists that have him pinned against the wall he would be seriously considering throwing caution and habit to the wind and just taking something for himself. It has never been his way to do that, he sacrifices more than he takes and Dean knows that this will be the death of them all.

_Frail and dry_

_I could lose it all_

_But I cannot recall_

_It all wrong_

_Don't cry_

_Clear away this hate_

_And we can start to make it alright_

Dean knows that he deserved the beating, he really does, because this is betrayal and the kind of terrible thing that he should never do to a person who has lost everything for him, but he did it and in his heart he knows that as much as Sam trusts him when it comes down to the safety and health of his family he will offer himself up to Michael in a heartbeat. He still wants to make things right with Cas before he goes, however, still wants to hear that even though he has messed up and is completely screwed up, Castiel can still forgive him and trust him to do the right thing.

Turns out the angel cannot and Dean is not able to find it in himself to begrudge him that thought, that anger, he simply wishes that it were otherwise, that the final memory that he would have of Castiel is not of anger and of disappointment. He wants to make things right between him and the angel, wants to tell Castiel that he cares and that is why he has to do this. The words stick, however, because words are not something that Dean Winchester does.

_So fly away_

_And leave it behind_

_Return someday_

_With red in your eyes_

Now Castiel is going to do something stupid so that Dean and Sam can run into something that is more than likely a trap, because if the angels could have used Adam in the first place they would have brought him back sooner rather than wasting time on Dean, and there is no way that the hunter can ever thank him for it. Dean is going to say 'yes' just as soon as he gets into that room and there will be nothing for Cas to return to, no hope, no family. He will be left alone and broken, bleeding and damaged, and if he even survives five of his fully powered brethren he is never going to be anything less than angry and hurt by Dean's choice.

_I see you_

_Cause you won't get out of my way_

_I hear you_

_Cause you won't quit screaming my name_

All he can think of when he sees Castiel going into the warehouse is the banishing sigil carved into his chest, skin that does not heal instantly as it once would have done, and hear the gentle hiss of his name as Dean cuts into him. It is a breath that sounds almost as though Castiel feels that he deserves this pain to remind him that the nightmare is real, to try and make him understand a fraction of why Dean is so close to just throwing away everything that they have worked for. Dean almost wishes that he could explain it in a way that the angel would understand.

Castiel is unreachable now, something that Dean has desired for so long but that he has always known he can never have, a friend that he has betrayed and hurt and while a part of him would take it all back in a heartbeat for his angel, he is _doing _this for him as much as he claims to be doing it for the world. Castiel will be taken care of, Dean will make sure of that, he just wishes that he did not have to look at his friend walk away. Wishes that he did not have to witness the double flare of white as the angel kills his brethren and banishes them all.

_I feel you_

_Cause you won't stop touching my skin_

_I need you_

_They're coming to take you away_

_Artemis  
_


End file.
